A Look Back at the Contest that Helped to Unite Europe

by Jack Rockett

The winner, 2016

I know it was over a month ago but everyone has to love Eurovision, even though it is awful. As usual we did terribly but what do you expect with such a dull song? We always talk about how we need to do better so most people my age are quite surprised to find that we have won five times. Most British millennials think that we have never won because we have never won in their lifetimes and we keep on sending awful songs. 

What most people don’t know as well is that the creation of Eurovision, along with many other things, helped lead to the formation of the EU. It was one of the first things that came about in trying to unite Europe after the Second World War and does a very good job of it each year. I have decided to publish this now obviously because of the recent vote which mainly says about this country that we apparently do not want to be united with our continent. It says that we don’t need Europe to help us when we do in every way possible and I think that if this is the impression we are giving, we shouldn’t be allowed to enter which I know would make many people very sad. 

So here I give to you my opinions of the songs that absolutely everyone has forgotten from this pretty mediocre contest but have helped to unite our continent a little bit for one week of the year.

Albania: Eneda Tarifa, Fairy tale, didn't qualify, 4/10

I thought the song was quite dull. The lyrics were very uncreative and overall it was pretty forgettable.

Armenia: Iveta Mukuchyan, Love wave, 7th, 4/10

It was a bit repetitive and didn't really have anything going for it. It didn't deserve top 10.

Australia: Dami Im, Sound of silence, 2nd, 8/10

Whether you think they should be in Eurovision or not, they seem to be pretty good at it. Although it was a good song, I didn't get the point of the computer thing in the middle.

Austria: Zoe, Loin d'ici (far from here), 0/10

This song really annoyed me. Apart from it being in French when Austria speaks German, the whole staging was really sickly sweet and she looked like she'd just competed in a beauty pageant. She just really irritated me.

 Azerbaijan: Samra, Miracle, 5/10

I remember when I first heard this song I thought it was really good. Then it got repetitive. Then I heard it live and realised that she can't sing. Azerbaijan sure used a lot of auto tune on her.

Belarus: Ivan, Help You Fly, didn’t qualify, 0/10

This song shows us that when your song is really bad, using all the expensive technology does not work. I also suggest against starting your song with a hologram of you naked.

Belgium: Laura Tesoro, What's the pressure, 10th, 3billion/10

This song may sound cheesy but I fell in love with it. I thought that it is utterly amazing and super fun and the best song this year. You should have too.

Bosnia and Herzegovina: Dalal and Deen, Ljubav je (love is), didn’t qualify, 0/10

I found this song just a bit dull. Also I really didn't understand the rap half way through and the barbed wire. It just made the whole song a mess.

Bulgaria: Poli Genova, If love was a crime, 4th, 3billion/10

Again another amazing song and a fab outfit. She definitely deserved coming fourth and I don't even think that was high enough. She looked amazing as a light up traffic sign.

Croatia: Nina kraljic, Lighthouse, 23rd, 9/10

I really liked the song but I didn't understand the cloak thing at the beginning. However that definitely didn't ruin it. She should have come much higher, especially singing that well with bronchitis.

Cyprus: Minus One, Alter ego, 21st, 5/10

It was ok for a rock song at Eurovision and definitely the best out of the other 2. Still not amazing and I found the cages quite creepy.

Czech Republic: Gabriela Guncikova, I stand, 25th, 8/10

More people need to vote for the Czech Republic as now they are sending good songs. Shame they don't have any Eurovision neighbours.

Denmark: Lighthouse X, Soldiers of love, didn’t qualify, -3billion/10

I massively hate this song. It is so irritating and cheesy and its lyrics are so cringy. No wonder it scored so low.

Estonia: Juuri Postman, Play, didn't qualify, 5/10

The song was ok and definitely didn't deserve to come dead last out of everyone. The title was a bit odd though.

Finland: Sandja, Sing it all away, didn't qualify, 0/10

This song was really annoying. No cold country should enter tropical themed songs ever.

France: Amir Haddad, J'ai cherché (I've looked for), 6th, 9/10

After sending awful songs for the past couple of years, France finally bothers to put effort into their entry and it was super catchy. Recently it has been constantly in my head.

FYR Macedonia: Kaliopi, Dona, didn't qualify, 4/10

It was average and a bit dated and lacking for Eurovision.

Georgia: Nika Kocharov and Young Georgian Lolitaz, Midnight gold, 20th, 1/10

How this mess qualified and how our jury gave it 12 yet gave Belgium 0 I don't know. It was awful and I'm surprised the person at the back of the stage with the circuit board didn't electrocute himself.

Germany: Jamie Lee, Ghost, 26th (last), 7/10

This song didn't deserve to come last. I thought it wasn't that bad even though she was dressed like she worked in either a sweet shop or build a bear.

Greece: Argo, Utopian land, didn't qualify, 1/10

It was a very bad song. Incredibly dull and I'm pretty sure they had no idea what they were doing.

Hungary: Freddie, Pioneer, 19th, 0/10

His voice sounds like he smokes 50 a day and his backing singers never sang. They just clapped, whistled and sort of hummed. It's like they turned up and completely forgot what they were supposed to do.

Iceland: Greta Salome, Hear them calling, didn’t qualify, 9/10

This should have definitely made it to the final. It was such a good song and well performed and shouldn't have been kicked out at the semis.

Ireland: Nicki Byrne, Sunlight, didn’t qualify, 0/10

Yes he was in Westlife. That didn't make his song any good. The song was dull and the lyrics were really cringy. Europe was lucky to not have to hear that song twice.

Israel: Hovi Star, Made of stars, 14th, 9/10

It's a stage name, not his real name. Apart from that awful stage name, his song wasn't bad in any way. I didn't get the hoola hoop twirling people though. It seemed a bit mismatched.

Italy: Francesca Michelin, No degree of separation, 21st, 7/10

I liked the song and after researching the Italian lyrics (my Italian has got a bit rusty) I realised that the bits of Italian I could pick up did make sense within the song. It was about how we shouldn't enclose ourselves and that no one is that far from everyone else. However, I didn't understand the balloons and vegetables on stage with her.

Latvia: Justs, Heartbeat, 15th, 0/10

This song was really irritating and the chorus was so mismatched from the verses.

Lithuania: Donny Montel, Waiting for this night, 9th, 1/10

Although it was bad and the performance was really predictable, it was far better than his song from 2012.

Malta: Ira Losco, Walk on water, 12th, 10/10

She did a great performance for someone who was seven months pregnant. I much preferred this song to the one she was originally going to sing.

Moldova: Lidia Isac, Falling stars, didn't qualify, 0/10

This song was really poorly put together and I had no idea what the point of the spaceman was.

Montenegro: Highway, The real thing, didn’t qualify, 4/10

It was a bit mish mashed and very poorly constructed and that random woman on stage with them was really out of place.

The Netherlands: Douwe Bob, Slow down, 11th, 5/10

I thought it was a bit boring and I found the 10 second pause in the middle quite awkward but it was ok. Not as good as their country song from 2014 though.

Norway: Agnete, Icebreaker, didn’t qualify, 1/10

The time change is just too uncomfortable to cope with.

Poland: Michel Splak, Colour of your life, 8th, -3billion/10

Seriously, colour of your life. This was the saddest off all the lyrics this year yet it managed to be third favourite song out of the European public vote. They probably thought they were voting for Captain Hook because of his red coat.

Russia: Sergey Lazarev, You are the only one, 3rd, 0/10

At least Russia didn't send another song about peace and try to brainwash Europe.  Still this song was equally as bad and definitely didn't deserve top 3.

San Marino, Serhat, I didn’t know, didn’t qualify, 0/10

How did this not come complete last? It was by far the worst and the whole staging was uncomfortable.

Serbia: Sanja Vucic, Goodbye, 18th, 6/10

Although domestic abuse is a very serious issue and the song was very good, it seemed a bit too serious for Eurovision. Still, it didn’t make it a bad song though.

Slovenia: Manuella, Blue and red, didn’t qualify, 0/10

I love Taylor Swift and this poor copy was appalling and what was the man on the stick doing. I don't think she realised that people no longer fall for distractions to make you vote for them.

Spain: Barei, Say yay, 22nd, 7/10

Apart from the title which makes it seem like it should be in Junior Eurovision, this song wasn't bad but seriously catchy. Every time I either went to or even thought of Spanish class, this song would be I my head for the next three hours.

Sweden: Frans, If I were sorry, 5th, 0/10

The host nation sent this and somehow it did really well. It was so boring and yet it won this massive contest in Sweden which they do every year to decide their entry out of 28 songs. There were 8 songs that were much better than Frans' in the final alone.

Switzerland: Rykka, The Last of our Kind, didn’t qualify, 8/10

I liked this song and it definitely didn't deserve to do so bad in the semi-final. Much better than the guy who whistled a couple years ago.

Ukraine: Jamala, 1944, Winner, 2/10

The message of this song wasn't appropriate for Eurovision. Of course Stalin was an evil man but it made this song very morbid and I have no idea how it did so well in the tele vote. In parts she sounded like a beached whale which I just found funny.

The United Kingdom: Joe and Jake, You're not Alone, 24th, 4/10

At least it was far better than what we sent last year but still, the lyrics were really sad and clichéd. There is a reason we do badly, we just don't pick good songs.

Yes, I was (and still am) obsessed with the Belgian and Bulgarian songs and I am over a month late getting my opinions together. I'm a busy person. I have just done very hard exams that are to determine the next four years of my life and I am still confused as to how the woman from Ukraine who sounded like a beached whale whilst telling us that strangers come to your house and kill you won. 

Still, I hope this makes you realise the unity that this really cheesy and awful contest brings to our continent and how important it is to get along with the other nations because if we can’t, it will result in how it has many times before. 

Also, it is almost certain that if we really go through with this, next year we will score 0 like we did in 2003, another reason to have voted remain. Anyway, see you in Kiev (probably) for 2017, hopefully still in the EU and not scoring 0.